Diary of a Brain Tumor - The Next Few Hours

We knew this situation was bad.  There was so much going on that I just didn't have a chance to really process.  I had one very sick daughter on one hand and on the other, I had a very scared daughter who just didn't know what was going on.  While I wanted to collapse in a heap in the corner and just scream and cry....I had to hold it together for her......for both of them.

My dear sweet friend, V, came to the hospital and picked her up.  The plan was to take her back to our house so she could get some sleep.  In the midst of all this, my heart was breaking for Nudgie because she had a field trip the next morning and I was supposed to chaperone.  I hadn't been able to make any of her field trips this year and she was looking forward to me going with her.  V said she'd stay and get her off to school the next morning, if needed.  We kissed and hugged Nudgie and told her that Auntie V would be taking care of her for a bit and that I'd be there as soon as I could.

By the time they left, the Chaplain had arrived.  CH Ron was a key part in keeping us as calm as expected.  By that point, I had allowed all the emotions and fear I was holding in to protect Nudgie to come out.  I clutched my rosary beads while we were escorted to another room while they prepped Nani for transport.

All I remember was shock.....shock....pain.....agony.....disbelief.....and guilt.  Oh, how the guilt weighed heavy on me.  How could I have missed this?  Nani never gets headaches, but over the span of the last 2-3 months, they popped up....not painful and not frequent, but they were there.  Then I felt guilty because I had yelled at her that morning....on our way to church.....over something stupid, like the broken handle of a gift bag.  And then I hit the ultimate guilt......I'm being punished.  God gave me this child and I'm a bad mom because I'm hard on her, I yell at her, I expect perfection out of her.  God is going to punish me for that by taking her away from me.  Yes....I went there.

I poured this all out to the Chaplain while twisting my rosary and tattered Kleenex in my hands.  He spoke words to us that I really don't remember much of now.....but one thing that stuck with me....and still makes me smile.  He looked me right in the eye and he said, "I know this is so hard and unimaginable for you and you don't know now why this happening....but it's really ok to look up and say, "Fuck you God!"   He can take it."

At this time, they came back and told us that the ambulance was there and they were getting ready.  I remember saying that I wanted to go to the rest room before getting in the ambulance, so My Marine and the Chaplain went ahead into Nani's room. 

Five minutes......that's all it took for our world to take yet another drastic downturn.

When I walked towards Nani's room, there was so much activity.  Too much activity for an ambulance transport.  The doctor pulled me aside, with My Marine, and told us that the pressure in her brain was increasing....fast.  She was unresponsive, her left pupil was blown, and they feared that she was bleeding in her brain. 

Our only option at this point was flying her by helicopter.....and they called in Life Flight.

The nightmare continues............